Always Ass(istant)assinated Director

Why do you want to join films?

:Sir, since I was a child I wanted to make films, I have seen all your films, I am a big fan, I want to join you and one day under your guidance I want to tell a story hence make a film.

:First thing first, stop thinking about films, stop thinking that you can and you will make a film, you are just a kid, what 25-30 year old, na you can’t make a film, think of becoming a good assistant director, be my 23^rd assistant director, you will learn a lot.

This is what you hear when you first share your dream. Beginner’s luck they say and if this is luck, what would be the “un” part of it. Kindly stop reading here itself, if you have a weak heart or if you are below 5 years of age ( and damn these 5 year olds can actually ride phones, I already feel like fossil). This is not gonna be a fairy tale considering even if you lose your shoe or even if the watch hits the sweet pain removing, above 1 and half shift, 12 midnight, it will not end.

For the brave hearts from here on; they say you need to be a good assistant director to become a director one day. It is like training, you see, something which various governments across the world are considering to implement, to get the truth out of convicts. If and when you survive it, you can even be the president of this country, tackling bombs and blames every day.

Well it is true to a point, it is a ladder, which you gotta climb but the only problem is, this ladder is longer than the persona of bhai and tantrums of a newly married “lughai”( bride). The moment you believe you are getting close, somebody’s uncle’s nephew, director’s sister’s son, actress’s little brother, producer’s outdoor schedule and indoor schedule son, cameraman’s hi-bye sister and many such extremely talented people present themselves in your path, generating 2 packet cigarette smoking worth, healthy competition and you slog and slog it till your nose hair turns white.

Apart from little tiny hostile environment, there is one success mantra for becoming an amazing assistant director, which is, hold your breath as we are not going to mention talent but one single quality of accepting that you are NOT RIGHT. Yes you read it right but hey you are not right, you suggest something good which might even be accepted but wait you are not right, you arrange the entire scene, put everyone in place and suddenly director changes his/her mind and guess what, it’s your mistake, you off course Mr. are not right. You take the temper of producer, as actress is late, you take the temper of director, as producer is cranky, you take the temper of actress because hello she needs time for make up, you take the temper of associate producer, as shoot is not on time and wait, a shoot which you are not even heading, but guess what you gotta accept it, as my dear friend your bloody freaking hell not right. I wonder if Dhoni feels like an assistant director when Ishant doesn't make runs and Dhoni gets fired for it, oh wait! Ishant Sharma is a bowler, yeah! What is all that about.

And by chance if you finish your script, which some talent less people say, is good, you better not listen to them because the mighty Godly producer will rightly say, “first of all your script is crap, no item songs, no fight sequences, it has nothing, what are you making, a film or government’s five year plan and second of all, I see your resume and you have done good amount of assisting work but not directed any.”

Well sir did you produce before actually becoming a producer, did anyone direct without being a director, did cameraman shoot without a camera and did a child come alive without being born. Oh! Wait sorry, you are a MASALA FILM fan, how foolish of me to give you LOGIC sir. Utterly my fault, how can I forget, we are never right.

So if you are thinking of making a career in films, I am not gonna discourage you or either provide you illusions, but will surely tell you one thing, if you are here, imagine yourself sitting in a car, being driven in a Rohit Shetty film, it will jump and pounce every second but when it lands and how it lands, there will be applause, huge ear deafening applause.