Senorita Takes a Rain Check

Irrelevant to the title I will start by informing that I am really angry or more so frustrated and disappointing your expectations, no I will not give melodramatic hoopla about my failed love life or my dog’s not so usual greenish poo. My traumatic mind stage could be because of my broken leg and my not so fancy affair with the bed, but it hurts much more then my resting ass that the country I am resting my soul in, is so filthy in its functioning. Every time I have come up on a social medium for any sort of amusement as such (elaboration on that later), I left pregnant with rage and anger. I feel molested from the first thing I wake up to do to the last thing I do before sleeping (offcourse peeing).

I sweat off to work because I can’t put on a.c in my car considering increased fuel prices, sometimes even takes train only to get grabbed in wrong areas to pay taxes which are not used to built roads or more tracks but to provide home theatre facilities in parliament to screen various adult clips or to grab shirts in deciding who wins the corruption game. Again I don’t want to crib and all, considering I myself haven’t done much for the country but my self questioning trips involves question marks such as what if I was born in a normal country (normal can be debated), I probably would have a lifestyle of paying taxes, electing government and going to office, similarly a politician’s lifestyle would “ideally” include paying taxes, electing government and going to office (here office means taking care of country or so people). So was it a curse to be born in this country, because no matter what my heart still beats, weeps and beeps (censored) for this country.

Anyways diverting to more glamorous issues its monsoon time and what a wonderful time it is, flooding cities, people dying, dams over flowing, wet songs in bollywood and numerous diseases. Quite a vibrant and busy time of the year I must say. From wet desires to wet dreams to wet crops it involves all. Internet crashes much more then usual, electricity plays hide and seek, roads become more of a puzzle to be solved and cricket matches get washed away but still this heart pounds for a quick rain dance with some sizzling pakodis on the tunes of some long gone A.R.Rehman’s composition. If its your lucky day then some senorita might get out in this rain, on some surviving street with some raging courage (considering recent Noida based headlines) and by making some less smart decisions, can ask you to share your umbrella. So what the heck if it floods, if it kills, if it gets you ill, if it is filmy, it still is well worth to get out in this rain and who knows some senorita is just waiting for you take a rain check.

Meanwhile one urges all the power holding, khakee bearing senors and senoritas of various tehsils, districts, cities, states and country to get a rain check and probably burn some rightful 'coal' for providing warmth to the wet and shivering country,

 “kyunki senorita bade bade desho main, aisi choti choti baatein nahi hone chahiye”.

Time Kharab Hai Yar

Getting on your knees, raising your hand beholding a physically and economically heavy wedding ring and she or in some abnormal (read impotent) cases he turns it down, studying hard, burning midnight oils and internet bills (read overdose porn invasion) and you still fail, picking up vegetables for mother, turning off the computer right on time before dad arrives from office, flushing every single time after pissing and you still don’t get a raise on your pocket money, oh! my kind man of God then its not you its just that ‘your time is kharab’

Happiness and sorrow are so irritatingly married that even if you wish and some time even succeed in having an extra marital affair with one of them the other one still forgives, some how they seem unbreakable. Underneath lies the mystery of their survival, which is as shocking as our Bihari politicians speaking English in parliament. This is the part where you pull up your socks, drink horlicks, perform yoga for 40 mins and channelise your focus to hear the truth which breaks the virginity of myth. In reality it is us, you and me , me and you (na na humming me and you na na na humming more, distracted and back) yes it’s you and me who feeds their marriage. There are no layers in this world it’s out there plain and simple, we tend to complicate things as a result we copulate with confusions hence taking forth their marriage. We say words like hope, belief, faith, love are children of happiness and then we differentiate loneliness, darkness, hunger as bastards of sorrow. That is how we divide and rule their marriage and it works, what if we stop dividing them and who knows their marriage might fall off, I will show you how. I call my friend at 4 am in the night, cry my heart out saying I am the loneliest person available on snapdeal.com and that guy buys it, consoles me and though faint heartedly but he even offers to come over, now what is wrong with that, arre you infected unsuitable human species if you are so God damn alone then how come you are talking to someone and saying I am alone. But we still get happy on pouring our fake sorrows though definitely increasing the happiness of telecom companies( eventually we will cry about bills and poverty).

In a different situation one goes to a psychologist and explains, it’s completely dark in my life, I feel lost as if I cannot see anything in any direction. Arre Rakhi Sawant’s abandoned child you cannot see in darkness that’s how eyes function, but you can see that it is dark that means you can actually see, the only problem is that there is no light in this direction so either switch on the lights or choose a more luminous way but there is certainly nothing wrong with your eye sight. I know I know you meant metaphorically and what not but it actually is true there is no metaphorical shit in this world, the only shit in this world is the shit that we create. Earth was born shit free before we came out and started hogging every aspect of it and eventually shitting too.

See for yourself there is absolutely nothing wrong with this world if there are biters then there are bakers, if there are cheaters then there are chirpers, if there are bummers then there are blowers (not the one in your bathroom or may be yeah that one too), as they say somebody will always be wrong for somebody, you cannot call pizza place and order dahi pakoda and then crib that my life is pakoda. At the end of the day as they say even bad luck is a type of luck so till it works out keep clinging onto the time kharab hai yar saga. 

khamoshi ki awaz

Ek din khamoshi chupke se mere paas aati hai aur har awaz ki burayi kar jati hai...


main puchta hun usse, arre pagali tera iss shehar main kya kaam...


woh kehti hai nadaan zara apni cheekh main sun, uss cheekh main bhi meri parchayi samati hai...


har toote dil, har ghootati saas, har bhikerte sapne, har tadapti prarthna, har bhooke pete, har rote rishte, har khokli khushi se meri hi awaz aati hai...


ek din khamoshi chupke se mere paas aati hai...

Male Prajati

(Warning- only people who got some appetite for humour and who get offended lesser then fulfilled promises by our government should read this)

 Ye prajati har desh main extensive matra main paayi jaati hai(reasoning- bosses are less labourers are more), iss prajati par do mahatva purna jimedari hoti hai pehli roti, kapda aur makaan aur dusri votti(biwi), shopping aur saman. Iss prajati ko badi junglee prakar ki prajati samjha jata hai par asal main yeh badi masoom hoti hai. Ye prajati on an average 7 ladkiyon ko i love you bolne ke baad ek par safalta parapt karti hai aur phir aajeevan iss ek safalta ka baith kar dukh manati hai. Iss prajati ki dukhon ko anubhav karne ki range badi small size ki hoti hai par phir bhi woh limited addition ke dukhon ki demand par bhi desh k vibhinn prakar k daroo k theeke apni daal roti chala lete hai.

Iss prajati k vibhinn prakaar hote hai, ek jo pahadon main payi jaati hai, ye sabse sukun wali prajati hoti hai uska reason ye hai ki pahadon main mahilaye jyada tarr kaam karti hai, ghar chalati hai aur phir bhi iss prajati ko SUV k size ka respect mil jata hai. Ye na toh rob jatati hai, na khet joti hai aur na hi iss par shopping karvane ka dabav hota hai(masaln aurate pahad se behed kam avsar par niche market tak aati hai..:p), isliye iss prajati ko hum kehte hai mard. Ab jaise jaise aap altitude main niche aate jayenge iss prajati ki durdashan ka latitude bhi utni gehraion ko choota jayega. Aur jitna niche aap aayenge inke aaundhe k saath inke naam badalenge aur inke kapde kaam hote jayenge masalan lungi( long and short). Iss prajati ki pareshaniyon ko aksar nazarandaaz kar diya jata hai kyunki na toh ye foeticide death ka shikar hote hai, na ye bahut saare emotions se bhare hote hai, na yeh pregnant ho sakte hai, na toh inhe dahej dene ka dukh milta hai, toh over all inke pas koi bhi cheez controversial nai hoti. Par main ek vakya se inki pareshania samjhana chahunga, ek bar mera ek dost kuch dino k liye gayab ho gaya, toh jab woh mujhe mila toh maine majakiya taur par usse pucha abe kahan gayab tha yar kahin tera rape toh nai ho gaya, ye sunte hi mano maine uski dukhti nass par haath rakh diya ho, woh bechara chota sa muh kar k bola kash yar kash, woh toh sirf kuch lucky hote hai, I am toh ever ready saala koi karta hi nahi..:P(only for those who got appetite for humour).

Ye prajati pehle apni janskhya main jyada hone ka bhoj uthati hai, phir apne jyada tough hone par jyada saman uthati hai, gharwalon ki kicks bhi literal meaning main wholesale main khati hai, murga banane ka experience uthati hai, college main ragging karvati hai, zindagi bhar jo bed se 10 baje uthe woh biwi k saath din bhar ek napkin kahridne main lagati hai, aur in sabke bawjud bhi ladies first ka naara lagati hai aur phir kahin jakar purani petrol prices ki rarity ki tarah gentlemen kehlati hai. Cinema iska ek bada karan hai, itni pareshaniyon ke baad bhi Mr. Bachchan aa kar keh dete hai "mard ko dard nai hota" aur vahan par aakar saari logicality bhad main chali jaati hai aur hamari barbadi ki gaatha chapna shuru ho jati hai.

Samay aa gaya hai ki hum iss prajati ko thoda mehtav de, thoda population ratio balance kare, female foeticide ko na mare, inko 10 baje se pehle na uthaye, shopping k liye paise mang kar le jaye, chale aao ek behtar duniya banaye...:D

Bashindon ko pukar

Mushkil main darr se kar dosti,
Jo tu aankhon se ojhal ho jata hai,
Bhool sakta hai kaise, hai aisa koi jo jameen par sirf hathon se reng pata hai,
ae dil tu kyun sakpakata hai…

sooraj par karta hai tu chasme se prahar,
par andhere main dupak jaata hai,
rehta hai apno k beech,
par khauf k sapne sajata hai,
ae dil tu kyun sakpakata hai…

shabdo se kar bair,
khamoshi se dosti nibhata hai,
kadvahat ki jalti aag main,
tu kyun na thandi ki parat lata hai,
ae dil tu kyun sakpakata hai…

aaya tha akele,
akele hi tu jata hai,
phir inn nochte rishton ki ghutan par,
tu kyun aakhon ko bhigata hai,
ae dil tu kyun sakpakata hai…

aae haathon ki lakeeron main zindagi dhondhte bashindo,
na naseeb hue hatheliyan jisko,
woh bhi jeevan bitata hai,
ae mere dil…ae masoom dil tu kyun sakpakata hai…

What a Bitch...

Bitch a very popular word in west usually associated with females with Mayawati sort of behavior , sometimes even associated with animals or problems or loosing sports team or infinite unpleasant situations, conditions applied you gotta be carrying two bottle of vodkas in your belly. A word which is with the speed of shatabdi express is becoming the ‘fancy’ word of ‘awe in west’ east side of world. Well female readers cool down your quickly carrot turning noses, I mean here the bitch called life.
Interesting language we have, bitch=life, dreams=parents disapproval, freedom=don’t do ungli to society, arrange marriage=mujhse koi phasi nahi yar(you read respect for parents), USA/UK/RUSSIAN/ETC= saala angrez hai, peace=four bomb blasts every year(though our defense minister says be thank full we only got 3 this year), India=Marathi, tamil, Punjabi, can’t write all I intended to write a small blog. Sometimes I wonder we could have done without some words,too many words too many languages too many confusions, Telugu Ramayana says Ravana was God, U.P ki Ramayana says Ravan ki maa ki jay(you know what I mean),shahrukh says Ra.one, na I didn’t make that film. I know I know I was talking about life toh itna khichdi kyun kar raha hun, well lets go point to point. Why is life a bitch?, because the standard definition of bitch says a female which is not liked by society ( I am talking about the gentry wali dictionary), and as I see people around me complaining about life too much, so does that proves life is a bitch because society doesn’t like it, I am not going into the gender but read between the lines, will you?
I somewhere believe that our lives are directly associated to the country or society we live in. So does that mean we are an unhappy country? I hardly doubt that because surveys say that we are among the most happy countries, we have the malyas, the ambanis, the mittals, the gandhis, the mayawati decorating elephants ( I have something against that women), the khans, the tendulkars, the etcs, then what makes us unhappy? We are suppose to be the best engineers, the doctors, the best and totally best zero inventors(mathematicians but sorry I want this blog to be funny), we are the ones obama warns his country of, we are suppose to be street smart, ambitious, hungry for success, but I guess hunger to our country is a different concept, we are highly applying it by depriving 30% of our hippo population of food and food and yes food. So is that our country’s problem, is that why my society is sad, is that the reason behind my life being a bitch? Or mayawati cutting 5 lakh ka b’day cakes(gosh! I guess I am in love with her), politicians enjoying hormonical imbalance in the assemblies, some pandey chick stripping in public and sachin’s hundred, is that why my country is down or my society is sad and my life is a bitch?
May be our country’s very much celebrated culture is catching on a flue from further east and farther west, Politicians from east and janta from west respectively. I guess my country is getting ill, shall I call our doctors from USA or Sonia Gandhi from medical checkup in London, may be that will help my country, my society or may be me but my friend says his life is a bitch because some bitch, I will censor the next few words, has dumped him, even after he bought her pricey gifts and blah blah. Gosh! Too many confusions , too many questions and arrgh! I am back to square one or say zero, makes us Indians proud. So life is a bitch, read between the lines will you? Or shall I say read btw d lines wil u?...:p
(sorry for disappointing all the hormonically patriotic guys, who started reading this blog as they thought I gonna bash at some male perspective dominated relationship problems, may be next time fellas)

The world will end in 2012

I woke up today and saw no one around me, no excitement for the new morning, no fear for the hard day coming ahead, I didn’t brush my teeth, I didn’t bow to the rising sun, I didn’t check my alarm clock, I just logged in on facebook. My mind suddenly logged out and went running into the memory lane through facebook time, orkut time, gmail time, yahoo mail time to new computer time to Oh! my God you have a computer time and realized what shallow life I have now, may be the world is really gonna end in 2012.
As I walked on this bridge I realized there was a time when I use to wake up to my mom’s call or my father’s roar, my day use to start with the fear of not doing the homework to the excitement of the only game period in the whole week. The excitement of meeting friends or glossy stares at my 2 year elder crush. Life was not meant to be taken seriously apart from the annual and half yearly exams or the hindi teacher banging your back like the door of his first unfulfilled love. The big future was never impossible and the dreams were gladly not practical, as I sadly wake up from my calculated dreams I think may be the world is gonna end in 2012.
I use to cherish the arrival of new guests, new sweets, new memories and new change. I didn’t use to bother how much money I had in my pocket, may be happiness was not that expensive earlier . I use to share my happiness or my crapyness from top to bottom with my parents, I use to like the change, the change of class, change of house, change of crushes, whatever change but still change was good. I don’t like change now, I am too lazy to shift, I don’t like new office or new crew, I don’t like my parents interfering in my stuff, I don’t like arrival of guests, It makes feel crowded as I am too busy in facebook world hardly crowded in my zillion number of close friends. As I think of it now I miss the earlier change, I miss having feelings, may be the world is gonna end in 2012.
Festivals were colorful, greetings were shared by hugging or distributing sweets not by sending messages a day before as they don’t cost anything or they will catch the so called sms jam of festive season. It was an ideal excuse to call your attractive friend but the threat was her father might pick up or her elder sibling, what you gonna say then, “I need science notes” or “ramesh hai”?, nahi oops sorry wrong number. It use to take huge planning and coordination to speak to your rival gender friend, she was not just a facebook request or a sms away. May be it wasn’t that easy earlier or may be its too easy now, may be the world will end in 2012.
I have started watching news channels, I wake up without alarm clocks, I take stress of my work, sometimes I even cook for myself, sometimes I don’t even fight with my mom because either I am too lazy or I just think that she wont understand. I keep a track of my back account and do you believe it, I have started writing blogs, may be the world is really gonna end in 2012.
Global warming, pollution, dirty politics, rising economy, empty pockets, natural calamities and much more impactful man-made calamities who knows what will end the world, but after losing the inner warmth, the feelings of innocence, the juice of friendship, and the highly over-rated weight to money, don’t you wish the world shall end in 2012. Who knows after killing the beautiful world we had, we might end up killing the rest of the world left around us, MAY BE THE WORLD WILL END IN 2012.